


To Tell the Truth

by Fanofthearts



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, Feelings, Internal Monologue, Journal, the truth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-22 19:39:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19983181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanofthearts/pseuds/Fanofthearts
Summary: My therapist thought it might be a good idea to keep a journal of sorts. Yes, I’m in therapy. I told her I was rubbish at words, yet here I am.





	To Tell the Truth

**Author's Note:**

> I don't enjoy writing in first person. Especially Bernie first person because we never did hear much of her internal voice. There is so much character exploration that could have been done but...
> 
> I might perhaps continue this but as of now I have nothing planned for it. 
> 
> Thank you Iordio

24/12/18

My Darling Serena, 

My therapist thought it might be a good idea to keep a journal of sorts. Yes, I’m in therapy. I told her I was rubbish at words, yet here I am. Sometimes though, when they were addressed to you, they came a little easier. So that is why I’m writing to you, she thought perhaps I could write down past my musings, my rationale, and my inadequacies I have to you. Or simply tell you about my day to day life. I expect you will never read this. With that as my protection every word I will write in this journal will be the truth. 

I thought I was done with running when we kissed leaning against the file cabinet after I came back home from Kiev. I thought that was it. No more running, I made a vow to you then. We had two months of bliss before our world fell apart. I kept my promise though, I let you do the running for once. When you called I ran to you. Now, two years later, here I sit. Alone. 

I love you Serena Wendy Campbell, but I’m so angry with you. I am also angry with myself. I allowed you to push me away. I allowed it and I ran like a coward for fear that I would smother you. I didn’t want to go. I broke my promise to you, my promise to us. I’m so sorry. You see, when I came back to Holby, I fully intended to stay. I gave up everything at the NTC for us, perhaps I should have gone about it a bit differently. The truth is I’m tired of living on the edge, running here or there; living in a place where I have to hide myself. 

I decided I wanted to stay home, make a home with you. After everything that happened last week I thought we could get through it but I was mistaken.

I’ve rented a flat in Dorchester, locuming. Biding my time until I decide what I want to do. It's Christmas Eve, I know how much you love it, but I also know how much sadness it brings. I wish I could hold you now. I miss you

25/12/18

My Darling Serena, 

Rereading my words from yesterday makes this all seem like a silly idea. I’m not good with describing my feelings or putting them down but I do feel. Doing so makes me feel  
childish and rereading them seems even worse. 

Perhaps I’ll just talk about what is happening now? I’m sitting on my sofa in the flat. It’s cold, the boiler has two settings - furnace or broken, and it’s sleeting outside. Lottie called me earlier today to wish me Happy Christmas, I haven’t heard from Cam yet. Perhaps that is for the best, because I would only ask after you. I do so wonder what you are doing right now Serena. 

I worked today, nothing exciting happened, a few minor emergency surgeries but all in all its been a calm Christmas. We will see what tomorrow brings. 

31/12/18

Dearest Serena, 

I know I’m supposed to be writing in this every day but the truth is some days I’m too tired. Work is monotonous, mind-numbingly dull. Routine surgeries, nothing much exciting. It makes me long for our trauma unit, operating alongside you. Watching and learning from you Serena. I miss our little group, Albies, our… everything. I’ve been looking at a blank email for the last hour, but I am stuck in a cycle of typing a few words and then deleting them. The cursor is flashing at me, I can’t make my mind up if it’s mocking me or I’ve had too much to drink. Probably both. Today is New Year’s Eve, I wonder who you will be kissing at midnight?

02/01/19

My Darling Serena,

I’ve had a therapy session today, I’ll be honest; it isn’t easy. None of this is. I’m not happy, I always used to be able to hide, compartmentalise, to ignore. I cannot do that any longer, not since I kissed you on the floor the theatre. I had an email today from Alex. She is mentioned taking up with a small off the radar group of the RAMC, they are doing humanitarian work in Somalia. We wouldn’t deploy for another two months. I’m not sure though. I asked her to send me the information. I wish you would call me and beg me to stay.

It's been rainy and cold here, I’m sure it will have been the same over in Holby. I miss you Serena. 

24/1/19

My Darling, 

Its been almost a month since I’ve thought to write to you in this book but every day I write to you in my mind. I dream of you, and I see you everywhere. I’ve thought about what our life could be like Serena. If only. Some days I think I’m losing my mind. My therapist says it's my way of healing and coping, I’m not so sure.  
The contract for the new humanitarian job arrived in the mail today. I haven’t signed it yet. 

1/2/19

My Darling Serena, 

On the previous page you’ll find a sketch of your garden, I’m sure you’ve noticed the hand writing and drawing skills are too neat to be mine. Annie, one of our F1’s does landscape design on the side. I was telling her what I had pictured for our house. When I thought it would be our house, perhaps someday it still will be? Anyway, I brought my journal to work today and had her sketch in what I thought you might like. What we both might like. You have such a lovely large garden but it is just sitting. I know you always wanted a little pond, I’ve included that, and different borders of flowers. Of course the swing set for Guin and if Cam or Charlotte have children. I’m sure they would love the garden. I remember how much you loved marigolds. I found myself walking through the gardening centre yesterday; they have some fresh blooms in even though it is much too early. I thought of you when I saw them and broke off a flower (a small one don’t worry) and I’ve pressed it in the pages for you to see. Because, perhaps one day I’ll be brave enough to send that email that is sitting in my draft box, or convince myself to hit the call button as I hover over your name. 

I miss you

24/2/19

My Darling Serena, 

Again I’m not doing very well at keeping up with this journal, perhaps I will once I get to Somalia. I’ve signed and I fly out tomorrow. I’ve called Cam, I asked him to meet me in Holby on my way to London but he is too busy. And Lottie, well…

I want to stop at Holby and see you Serena, see you one more time. I’m not sure what will happen in Somalia. It’s high risk, not just for the levels of insurgency but for disease . We are really out there on our own. They have briefed me on things I cannot talk about, I fear there is more going on than I even know. It’s the people I’m going to help, to try to make some sort of difference in this world. After all I don’t have much to lose back home at the moment. It will be good to reconnect with Alex, she says the team there is great, but the work is the hardest she’s ever done. 

The truth is I wish I wasn’t leaving, I wish I was going back to Holby, back to you. It is my goal from here on out to write to you here every day. Even if just to tell you the surgeries I’ve done. I do hope you are well, I hope you’re happy. 

2/25/19

My Dearest Serena, 

I’m on the tarmac waiting to take off, we will fly from London to Cairo for a debriefing, then down to Mogudishu, after that it will be in amoured vehicles to the site.  
I stopped at Holby this morning, popped my head into AAU but you were out. I didn’t stop at the house, I just couldn’t do it. I can’t help but feel like I’m running again. Leaving behind my heart. I guess that’s true because still belongs to you, it always will. 

Who knew your big macho army medic could be so sappy? 

I love you

**Author's Note:**

> Lesbianishstuff on tumblr


End file.
